Facts Women Should Know about the Treatment for Male Abusers
For the past five years, treatment programs for male abusers have opened across the country. We are still learning new information on effective counselling techniques; however, below are some facts that you may find helpful.
A lot of men attend counselling because the courts have told them to seek counselling. Many of the men have said that they would not have been there had they not been forced by the criminal justice system.
Many men are in treatment because their partners have left them and told them to either get help or she would not return to the relationship.
A few men will seek treatment on their own without the courts or their partner telling them to do so.
Although we are making great progress in helping male abusers, it is important to know that just because a man is in counselling, that doesn’t mean that the violence will necessarily stop.
Counselling can assist in giving an abuser tools and techniques to stop the violence and manage his anger and belief systems differently; however, he has to want to stop the violence. In this way counselling will help only those men who want to be helped.
Many women are disappointed when their partner does go to counselling but still continues to abuse them. For the majority of men who continue to be violent, it is not because they are sick or crazy; it’s simply because there is a part of them that really doesn’t want to change.
Their partner needs to ask a hard question “Am I willing to stay in a violent relationship?”. The answer to that question will be different for each woman.
If an abuser is looking for a counsellor, it is important that he look for one with a particular philosophy and approach. Over the years research has found that traditional counselling does not necessarily stop the violent behaviour.
- Alternative to Violence Programs (A.T.V.) which focus on the belief systems behind the abuse. Their goals are to end the violence and change a man’s belief system that tells him ‘he has the right’ to abuse his partner.
- Group, opposed to individual counselling, has been found to be the most effective means to stopping violence. In the group setting the abuser is not only accountable to an individual counsellor but to other members of the group.
- Couples counselling should be undertaken only when the abuser has completed his group or individual counselling- usually after 18 months of continuous therapy.
- Anger Management Programs only focus on learning anger-management skills and do not address the underlying belief system, self esteem or impact of their abuse on themselves, their partner and/or children.
A six to eight week program cannot unlearn years of conditioning in a few weeks.
- If an abuser drops out of counselling too soon, his partner may be at greater risk of being further abused.
If a woman has left while her partner is getting help and she returns after their partner has been in counselling for only a few sessions, some men will interpret their returning as “Everything is okay now; I don’t need any more counselling”.
Partners should be encouraged to remain out of the relationship as long as possible, to give the man the chance to be in counselling for himself, not because he wants to get his partner back.
- Women need to view violence as the responsibility of the abuser. The abuser needs to begin to take some responsibility by calling a counsellor and arranging their own healing.
- For relationships to heal it is important for the partner who is being abused to also get individual or group counselling.
- Is he trying to get you to come home, or does he understand that you are afraid of him and need some time away to become stronger and feel better about yourself?
- Does he blame you and call you names, or can he communicate his anger in direct non-intimidating ways?
- Does he just get himself more and more angry, or does he tell you he needs to cool off, calm down, and he will call you back when he does?
- Does he get quiet and moody? Or does he express his feelings clearly to you?
- Does he blame you for his violent behaviour, or does he take responsibility for his actions?
- Is he only interested in talking about when you are coming home?
- Does he constantly bring up the fact that in counselling he is learning that you are the abuser in the relationship?
- Does his actions show you he is changing or does he only tell you he is but you don’t see a lot of changes?
