Helping Someone You Care About Who Is Being Abused...
When someone you care about is being abused or is in family abuse, it hurts you too. It is hard to know what to do and say.
Some people may suspect that abuse is happening in a friend or family member's relationship, but do not know what to look for. Others are fearful of getting involved because they do not know what to do if the person discloses abuse in their relationship.
Here is information on how to recognize a person who may be in an abusive relationship, as well as what you can do to help.
What To Look For:
- Is the person reluctant to talk about why they are sad, anxious and depressed?
- Is the person drinking more or taking pills to calm their nerves?
- Have you seen physical injuries?
- Do they try to avoid you when you meet in the street? Do they try to cut your time together short?
- Do they make excuses at the last minute why they cannot visit you? Or, have they stopped seeing you completely?
* Remember: If someone is being abused by their partner, they may feel embarrassed, ashamed and alone. By asking questions, you help break the silence. This may be the first step towards ending the abuse.
If you have answered "Yes" to one or more of these questions, you have reason to be concerned. The only way to know for sure is to ask the person if they are being or have been abused by their partner - emotionally, physically and/or verbally.
Safety Is The First Priority:
If they have been physically abused:- Offer to go with them to the doctor's office.
- Ask if they wish to report the assault to the City Police or RCMP; if so, offer to accompany them or call Envision to arrange for an escort.
- Find out if the children have been hurt, if so, they too should receive medical attention. The Ministry of Social Services and/or the police must also be notified.
- Help them to find a safe place to stay. Call Envision's toll free Abuse/Sexual Assault Support Line to access a crisis shelter or a transition house.
- Do Not Hesitate To Call. * 1-800-214-7083 *
More Help For Family Abuse:
- Let them know that you believe what they have told you - chances are the situation is worse than they are letting on. Abuse rarely occurs only once.
- Encourage, but do not pressure them to talk about the violence. Allow them to say as much or as little as they want.
- Offer to go with them to the police station or to Envision, or any other place they are reluctant to go. Your presence will help them to be strong and will show in ways that words can never do-that they are not alone.
- No matter how tempting it is to bad-mouth their partner, stop yourself. Most people love their partners and want the family abuse to stop, but want the relationship to continue.
* Remember: You may be the only person they can trust. Be attentive, non-judgmental and believe what they say. Tell them you care and show you are willing to help.
Taking Care Of Yourself:
Helping a friend who is in an abusive relationship is often stressful and can be dangerous. You need to look after your own physical and emotional well-being.- Never confront the abuser. That could make things worse.
- Talk with someone about your feelings, fears, frustrations and reactions to the family abuse. Envision often assists individuals whose friends and family members are being abused. You can do this without identifying the person you care about.
* Remember: There are no simple, easy solutions. If you know someone who is hurting, don't ignore the abuse - or the person.
Allow The Person To Make Their Own Decisions:
A person who has been abused may come to believe that they have no control in their life and no ability to make decisions. To help the person feel more confident and regain control:- Let them know that there are no simple solutions but that change is possible. The first step is to look after their safety.
- Point out different options available and help them to evaluate each one. What Are The Options With Partner Abuse?
- Allow them to decide which option is best. Even if you strongly disagree, remember that it's their life, not yours.
- Let them know that you will stand by them no matter what they decide.
Increase Your Knowledge:
- Find out all you can about partner abuse by contacting someone who has information on the topic. Libraries often have wonderful resources.
- Make a list of phone numbers of agencies and individual who can offer services.
Remember: The better informed you are, the better you will be able to help. You can also try PATHS for more information.
